Greetings Consumers, Tax-Base, and Units of Labor for the One-World Government,
 
Perhaps you have noticed that I haven't posted a new Nooseletter in nearly 8 months. Please don't take this personally. You are in my heart and thoughts. I've been very bizzy stockpiling canned food, ammo, and scotch. There has also been some preoccupation with my new Wii Interactive Video Game Console, as I have mastered 'Streaker 4, The Overexposure' (TM). You strap that little laser controller onto your junk and dash about the livingroom naked, negotiating virtual cityscapes and offending as many people as possible for points. I'm already as skilled at this as Guitar Hero!
 
The good noose is that we, The Jalan Crossland Band, have been approved to recieve 3 billion dollars of the federal bailout money, despite years of decadence, financial irresponsibility, and bad management! The first thing we're gonna do is throw a big-ass party with all of you, our friends, at the opulent Arrowhead Motel in Gillette, Wyoming! We'll invite our buddies from AIG and (now don't let the cat out of the bag) work em over with a table leg and a pound of butter, the same way they've reamed us all these years! 
 
Friends, in these uncertain financial times, where can we turn to safely invest our hard earned savings? 401Ks are obviously out. Commodities are just too risky. The one haven is in CDs! Even in a bear market your CD investment will never fall below the $2 redemtion value at the pawn shop.  Please visit our merch page and lock in yours today!
 
In keeping with a spirit of compassion, please take care not to trample our drummer in your fanatical rush to the gig merch table to procure your NEW SKULL T-SHIRT!!
 
with love and cynicism,
 
 
 Jalan